Well, I'm not quite sure where to begin. I am a very honest person but lately I tend to be a little more private.
I have tried several times to sit down and blog my story of this past year. I get to the end & just delete it. I keep thinking that its really no ones business & just b/c its my blog doesn't mean I have to share it. But I share it in hopes that I can touch someone else. Help someone know that they are not alone.
A little over a year ago, after a conversation with my Mommy I realized that I had been having anxiety attacks pretty much everyday for about 6 months. I had the physical & emotional symptoms but thought I was just stressed out (fyi: anxiety attacks are not just hyperventilating). I have seriously tried so many different things to help me be "the person I want to be" (whatever that means) I felt paralyzed by all these feelings I was having. These feelings were the regular. I'm not a good enough mother, a good enough wife, not a good enough housekeeper, not good enough at doing the perfect Mormon girl routine. In retrospect I saw that I had lost hope & given up on even trying. I am a pretty proactive person. So I kept reevaluating my life & changing certain things in the hopes of a solution. Nothing was working. I felt like I was drowning & no matter how much I loved the church or my Father in Heaven, I could not come up for air.
So Jon had tons of ideas to help me. He cleaned more, I went to the gym, had an evening to myself, read scriptures with him every night etc...but it only worked for so long. It made me feel so guilty that I had such a perfect life & an awesome family but I still couldn't get it together.
So after much prayer & EXTREME anxiety I decided to get some help. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. I sat in the waiting room at the doctors & cried. How, with as blessed as I was, could this be a challenge in my life?
But since that time I have been able to cope so much better with my trials. I am enjoying my children & my life more. I am not perfect. I still have anxiety on a daily basis & occasional anxiety attacks, but the important thing is I can cope. I have found hope again. Life is a never ending process & you can't give up on it just b/c you have some trials. You gotta keep on keepin on! You live & learn & then move on with the knowledge that you've gained. You take life as it comes. One second at a time (I'd love to say one day but I need to break it up a little more than that!;)
I am hopeful that something I have said has touched at least one person. I want to make my trial count for something. Make some of my challenges help someone feel comfort & regain the hope & happiness that I have found again.
Don't feel awkward leaving a comment. I am sharing this b/c I know I should. In fact I would probably feel so much better if you did!
21 comments:
Summer, I think you are an awesome and wonderful person and a great mother. I am so sorry that you have been going through this. I wish I lived closer so I could be there (phyically) for you. I miss you tons and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
WE LOVE OUR SUMMER!!!! I think its so unfortunate that we all have to deal with the those feelings of inadequacy!! I hate that you have to have THIS trial too, but you are so stinking strong. I am glad that things are getting better. I am always on the other end of facebook, email, or a phone call so don't hesitate!!
Summer, if you have a chance, please stop in on my blog. You'll see that I too came "out of the closet" about my battle with depression & anxiety (its about 3 posts down). I felt like I had been hiding for too long and that, like you, maybe there were other sisters out there struggling and felt alone - I wanted them to know that they weren't. I've battled depression since Abby was born & always felt ashamed about being on medication. Anyway, I know what its like to still be struggling, but at least be coping. Feeling hopeless is an awful feeling - I had it for longer than I care to admit. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Love you!
I can't even tell you how I can relate. I have had to battle the anxiety attacks myself. But I love your honesty in your post. I appreciate you sharing how we ALL feel--- that we are not perfect. And I love to tell you, I'm far from perfect, so we can all party through life together knowing that its one big journey, that is never perfect. And if it were, what would we be learning anyway? Loves. Chels.
Summer! I was thinking of you this afternoon... I realized I hadn't seen a blog post from you in my google reader for a LONG time. I figured that I would email you tonight and see how you were doing. I am so sorry you are struggling with this. You have NO IDEA how common this is.
I (and everyone else I know) struggle with depression and anxiety, too...along with SERIOUS anger management issues...but I suppose I can't lop that into the same category as the others.\"/ Anyways, I am jealous you are getting help. Curious to know what you are learning that is helping you cope. SHARE THE WEALTH, SUMMER!\"/
You are a phenomenal woman, wife, friend, and mother...and a daughter of God, who loves you no matter what. Love you girl.
Summer, Thank you for your post. I would love to talk to you sometime.
Summer, thanks for sharing. I know someone really close to me was struggling with this same thing recently. It was hard for me to understand, but I was glad she shared her insight with me. There was an article in the Ensign titled, "Truths and Lies" that helped her a lot- as well as a lot of other things she did. So many people love and support you- I wish you the best. Thanks again for sharing your story.
Summer, you are awesome and brave for coming out and posting this. I can't imagine what you've been going through, but you're an amazing mom, and we're so lucky to have you in the family! I hope things are getting better. Love you!!
I'd say you've definitely touched people, hon. You are amazing. I'm actually dealing with this same thing out here. I hate it here. Hate it! And it's been so hard. Panic attacks... Oh yes. As hard as it is to say, maybe it is time I got help too. Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I am so glad things are getting better for you.
Love ya,
Janyece
Oh Summer, how validating that other woman struggle too. I too have struggled with these same things. The cycle becomes more and more vicious as we tell ourselves if we only would do this, this and this, then I will do better/feel better. It adds more and more pressure, more guilt at perceived failure and more hopelessness and anxiety. Depression and/or anxiety are so hard to deal with and even more difficult when people around you don't get that you can't always pull yourselves up by your boot straps...because darn it..the boot straps are broken!
I cried as I told my MD that I am struggling and have been off and on since Zac was born. Depression and anxiety are real things that require attention like diabetes and high blood pressure. It alters your quality of life. Anyway, that was cathartic. We know that you are a phenomenal woman and find strength in you. Thanks for sharing.
Oh Summer! I wondered where you had gone! I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling so badly, especially with something like anxiety! I have anxiety too, not to the same degree, but when I'm especially stressed out I can have anxiety attacks, which have sent me to the hospital before because I thought I was dying. Lately though, for the second or third time, I think I've been battling depression. i have no motivation, I'm crying all the time, I'm eating everything in sight, I want to sleep all the time,and I'm constantly snapping at Steven and the kids. So i understand what you mean about wanting to be so much more than you can be! It's hard and scary to ask for help, but now I realize that I need it, in order to be the best mommy I can be to my precious children! So please know that I'm praying for you! I know you're a great mommy, and with the help of your doctors and your husband, your wonderful family, and your faith, you'll get through this! I promise! Sending lots of love your way!!!
I am so grateful to be part of you family and to get to rub shoulders with you. You are so strong, good, loving, and fun. From the first, you have always been so open and loving to me, such an example. I am glad you were brave enough to seek out help, and grateful that it is working! Keep pressing forward.
I loved getting to see you guys this weekend. It had been too long. My fingers are crossed we see more of you guys this summer!
Summer- I have always thought you were an amazing person and were able to do so much with your music and your 3 little one's so close together! You are even more amazing because you are sharing this with so many!
You're great Summer! We've had a chat on this very subject, so you know I can relate. I think that probably most women can relate. One day at a time...that's how I take it. Keep hangin in there and remember to give yourself a little more credit. You've got a lot on your plate...we all do.
Summer,
I can't say I know how it feels, but I know the devestation this horrible illness takes on a life. a marriage, a family, and living. I'm sorry anyone has to struggle with this. I hope you are finding the things you need to be well and to cope. Its tough, I know! But you are wonderful and beautiful and talented and at some point in time you will know what strengths you have gained by having this affliction. Love you!
Thank you for sharing. It's so nice to know I'm not the only one out there having these feelings and struggles. Miss you tons!
Summer, Anxiety and I are old friends:-) I had attacks in college and still have them but have a grip on 'em. Getting professional help was the best. I know it's different for everyone. I hope you are hanging in there.
p.s. I also know what a living Hell your life can feel like when you are going through this. It's hard to find relief!
Summer, it all started one day when Shaune was diagnosed with cancer...really, you know the rest. Anxiety in epic proportions. Ironically, it wasn't until my car broke down one day months after Shaune was in remission and we were getting back into "life" that I just had total melt down. Getting help was the best move I'd ever made. I felt like I was directed toward finding the right kind of help and on the way to getting back to who I am. I know how hard that this is and I am really proud of you. You are a rock. Love you!
Summer, you made me cry! I am grateful that you didn't give up! I have many experiences with a few of those I love that have struggled with the same daily occurrence. I like what Mandy said, "Depression and anxiety are real things that require attention like diabetes and high blood pressure. It alters your quality of life." You are not alone, there are so many that are going through the same thing. Like you said, you just take each day a second at a time. Thank you for asking for help! You have family and friends to help you cope when it is difficult. You are an amazing person! You have a great personality, your child adore you, and you are very kind to everyone. Thank you for sharing your trial, it helped me realize that I shouldn't have gone through my "wanting a baby" depression by myself.
Dear, dear Summer,
I have suffered through depression and anxiety for about 40 years. I know beyond a doubt that the Lord can guide you to receiving help. He sent me to a great psychiatric social worker who helped me immensely! He does not expect you to figure it all out on your own. I still have problems and realize that at least part of mine is genetic. It doesn't make me feel any better about myself at times but as I have suffered and learned and grown, I have found that I have an empathy that I don't think someone who hasn't been in that deep black hole could possibly have! I have also learned that there are many people who support me... and those who don't... I have learned to look to those who do! I think it is wonderful that Jon has tried to ease your way. That is a great blessing!
Satan would love to convince us that we are no good and he will try all he can to do that. I think he works hardest on those who are the greatest! You are a great person!
One thing that has helped me is to write down, with paper and pen, some of the things you have done that are good and some of the things other people have told you that you excel at, we all have a lot. Keep those somewhere and when you are really down: 1. Give yourself permission to be down! 2. Get out your list of things that you know are good about you and that we all know are good about you and READ IT! 3. Then, look way up, out of the hole, and see Christ looking down at you. He is probably one of the only people who can see that far down but, if you look hard, you will see him there and know that He understands! 4. Tell Satan to go away! (I tell him OUT LOUD!!! And then give yourself permission to climb out and know that you are LOVED... by Christ, by your family, by your extended family, by your friends (and by me ;) Hang in there! I know how scary those anxiety attacks are and how deep the hole is, but, you can get out! You can be happy again! Things will get better and you are learning so much! I love you, Cindy
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